I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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