I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
