It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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