dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
