I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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