I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
