im having a threesome with these popsicles
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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