Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
