Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
