My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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