Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
