You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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