During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
