flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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