Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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