Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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