Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
