Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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