I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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