After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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