I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
