I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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