Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
