But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
