My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
