Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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