don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
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is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
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In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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