he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
