none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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