fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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