you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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