Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
