My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
