That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
