why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
