I just threw up on my dentist
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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