I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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