thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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