I think I just saw someone hide a body.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
