You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
