yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
