just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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