Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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