her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
