This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
