she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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