I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
