So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
