You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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