I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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