So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
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It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
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I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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