I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You can't just leave with hair like that
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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