Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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