she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
