Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
