He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
