My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
