I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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